Saturday, 24 November 2012

X Factor to English

Steff Higgins translates...

For years I’ve been perplexed by the fact that I seem to hear something completely different to the X Factor judges. No matter how often King Simon Cowell throws a strop and axes someone, replacing them with someone more attractive and less talented, I always seem to find myself open-mouthed at their reactions. Then I realised… It must be that there’s a secret X Factor language that they are taught vigorously before they’re allowed on our screens to judge the nation. It’s the only explanation (that doesn’t mean I have ridiculous taste in music)! So I went ahead and devised this phrase dictionary so that, on Saturday, you’ll know what they’re actually saying.

* “You’re the dark horse”
I didn’t really like to start with, but after seeing the reaction of the public, I’ve had a sudden change of heart (£££)

* “You’re the one to beat”
You’ve peaked too soon, you’ll probably get voted out around 3 or 4 weeks before the final and no-one will ever hear of you again, despite your voice actually being pretty good

* “You own the stage”
Don’t get too cocky

* “You haven’t got the best voice in the competition”
You sound awful, but my god are you attractive.

* “You’re a born entertainer” 
You’re controversial and, without you, no-one would be talking about the show

* “You’re very likeable”
What’s your name again?

* “You look amazing up there tonight”
You usually look like dog shit, big well done to hair and makeup

* “You look like a pop star”
We’ll have to auto-tune you, and you could never sing live; but you look like we could make you do ANYTHING in a music video (Alexandra Burke)

* “I think you’re better than that performance”
I don’t like that song

* “That was a safe song choice”
Might as well've listened to the original

* “Yours was the performance of the night”
Yours, and everyone else I’ll say that to over the course of the night

* “You looked like you were having a really good time up there tonight”
At least someone was

* “What a great start to the show”
Let’s get this over with

* “What a great end to the show”
Can I go now?

Now I’ve cracked the code, you can watch with the confidence that you’re in the loop.


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